Family communication refers to the way verbal and non-verbal information is exchanged between family members. Communication involves the ability not only to hear what others are saying, but to take it on board. In other words, an important part of communication is not just talking, but listening to what others have to say.

Communication within a family enables members to express their needs, wants, and concerns to each other. Open and honest communication creates an atmosphere that allows family members to express their differences as well as their love and admiration for one another. It is through communication that family members are able to resolve the unavoidable problems that occasionally arise in all families.

Just as effective communication is almost always found in strong, healthy families, poor communication is usually found in unhealthy family relationships. Family therapists often report that poor communication is a common complaint of families who are having difficulties. Poor communication is unclear and indirect, leading to frequent misunderstandings. It can lead to numerous family problems, including conflict, ineffective problem solving, lack of intimacy, and weak emotional bonding.

Researchers have discovered a strong link between communication patterns and satisfaction with family relationships (Noller and Fitzpatrick, 1990, Marital communication in the eighties.). One researcher discovered that the more positively couples rated their communication, the more satisfied they were with their relationship five and a half years later (Markman, 1981, Application of a behavioral model of marriage in predicting relationship satisfaction of couples planning marriage.).

Poor communication is also associated with an increased risk of divorce and marital separation and more behavioural problems in children.

instrumental and affective communication

Communication can be divided into two different areas: instrumental and affective. Instrumental communication is the exchange of factual information that enables individuals to fulfil common family functions (e.g., telling a child that he/she will be picked up from school at a specific time and location). Affective communication is the way individual family members share their emotions with one another and talk about how they are feeling.

Some families function extremely well with instrumental communication, yet have great difficulty with affective communication. Healthy families are able to communicate well in both areas.

types of communication

Communication can be clear or masked and direct or indirect. Clear communication occurs when messages are spoken plainly and the content is easily understood by other family members. Masked communication occurs when the message is muddied or vague.

Communication is direct if the person spoken to is the person for whom the message is intended. In contrast, communication is indirect if the message is not directed to the person for whom it is intended.

Epstein et al. (1993) have identified the following four styles of communication.

building effective family communication

There are many things that families can do to improve the quality of their relationships by communicating better, including:

Communication is key to successful family functioning. Researchers agree that clear, open, and frequent communication is a basic characteristic of a strong, healthy family. Families that communicate in healthy ways are more capable of problem-solving and tend to be more satisfied with their relationships.

If you are finding it difficult to communicate with your partner or other family members, working with a relationship counselor may be helpful.

Book Therapy

Couples who have experienced a painfulrelationship breakup will often go through several stages as they cope with their loss. As the acclaimed psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross puts it, the stages of grieving chronicles how a person feels and copes during a relationship breakup.

As you read these stages, it’s important to remember that this is not a linear process where a person will go through one stage at a time. Human beings are complex and can experience many feelings at the same time or not feel some of these things at all. Think of these stages as possible feelings that may come up for you when you end a relationship.

First Stage: Denial

The feeling:

At this point, you may block unwanted feelings or turn off their emotions. There is a strong feeling of refutation that the relationship has ended, and you unwillingly hold on to the thought that the separation is just a phase. You may do everything possible to bring the relationship back to the way it was.

How to cope:

Denial is a stage that may or may not come again even after being able to move on to the succeeding stages. It is important that there is a mutual acknowledgement between both parties about the separation. After all, acknowledging that a problem exists is the first helpful step to properly cope with the breakup. As such, it is important to convince yourself that in spite of therelationship breakup, there are other things that you need to prioritise like school, work or leisure.

Second Stage: Anger

The feeling:

This occurs when you finally understand that the breakup is real. Whether you are angry with yourself or furious at your ex-partner for not keeping the relationship strong, anger is a normal feeling in emotionally stressful experiences. Although sometimes people refuse to acknowledge their anger, it is necessary to release all angry emotions.

How to deal:

It is important to let all your emotions go, rather than keeping all negative feelings inside. Bottling them up will make you burst into rage at any time when there is a trigger. Channel your anger through different recreational activities, such as exercising, painting and singing. Counselling or therapy is another anger management strategy that you can employ. By doing counselling, you are able to truly recognise your feelings and maybe even trace the roots of your anger.

Third Stage: Bargaining

The feeling:

Feelings of bargaining are easily assessed during a relationship breakup. This happens when compromises are made for the benefit of rebuilding the relationship. The affected person may think about making a deal with a supernatural being, or may consider talking with the ex-partner to make promises so that things can go back to how they were before. There is a strong tendency to converse with the ex-partner about working out the many issues and concerns that led to the breakup. Oftentimes, bargaining gives a reassuring feeling that the relationship can still be mended.

How to deal:

Find new activities to keep yourself busy. Being preoccupied with other things will keep your mind from the breakup. Instead of bargaining, try to rationalise the situation and explore why the relationship did not work out in some aspects. Recognising the reality of the problem is the key to proper coping.

Fourth Stage: Depression

The feeling:

Oftentimes when the bargaining does not work, you can fall into despair with the realisation that the relationship cannot be fixed. This stage sets in when there is a clear understanding that the relationship is indeed “over”. Extreme feelings of sadness and loneliness consume the affected person, as well as a general loss of interest in many activities of daily living.

How to deal:

Depression is the best time to use all the effective coping mechanisms, as it is during this time that you may feel extremely down. It is important to reflect on why the breakup has happened, and noting the aspects that led to the separation.

Doing something new and continuing usual activities are recommended to maintain a normal living. Withdrawing yourself from the world is generally not advised, as it’s important to spend time with your loved ones to reinforce social coping. Counselling or therapy is also an effective way to express your depressed feelings.

Fifth Stage: Acceptance

The feeling:

In this final stage, there is a willingness to finally let go and move on with life. You have fully comprehended that it is normal to feel hurt, and that the relationship breakup brings a whole new meaning for you.

How to deal:

By finally accepting the whole experience, you can now be the best person you can be. This is the best time to meet new friends and to mingle with a new crowd. Nevertheless, it’s wise to know your limits and enjoy new experiences one step at a time. After all, one painful relationship breakup should not stop you to feel happy with the next.

Couple separation happens all the time to many people. Learning the stages of grief and how they apply during a relationship breakup will indeed help any person cope with a painful experience.

Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/relationships-articles/relationship-breakups-the-grief-stages-of-couple-separation-5297425.html

About the Author

The Centre for Relationship Development provides high-quality relationship and marriage counselling services for couples and individuals from four centres located in Nowra and Kiama on the South Coast of NSW, the Sydney CBD, Newtown and the Northern Beaches of Sydney. Visit Sydney Relationship

to read more or to book an appointment today.

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The most basic answer to why do men cheat isn’t because they want sex. Men cheat because they miss the feeling of being admired and feeling a woman positively responding to them. Usually with their partner they feel criticised and undermined. Men need to feel they can make their partner happy and to feel admired and trusted. Men are motivated by knowing ‘they can get things right’ for their partner.

A lot of arguments are not really about the surface things, rather they are about a woman feeling the loss of an emotional connection and bond with their man. Not enough connection feels like abandonment. In an attempt to regain a connection women complain and tell their men what they are not doing right. Unfortunately men don’t know that the complaining and criticism is actually a desire for connection. The men begin to feel they ‘can’t get it right for her’ and lose self esteem.

Once the pattern starts, of a man distancing and a woman complaining the man can become discouraged. When he tries to do the right thing he soon gives up when the appreciation he longs for doesn’t come instantly ( He should persevere!) He distances more which makes the lack of connection even worse. At these times some men are vulnerable to cheating on their partner to get a sense of self esteem. They attempt to re-experience what it is like to have a woman’s positive attention. It’s not really about sex at all. It’s about the need to be admired.

Women cheat much less than men. They cheat as a last resort when they feel taken for granted by their partner. Women wish to feel appreciated, desired and special to their partner. Some women are more vulnerable to cheating if they have friends who cheat as makes it seem more acceptable. The key factor for cheating is that their partner has ignored their attempts to emotionally re-connect. Women cheat because their partner doesn’t listen to them. On the unconscious level an affair is an attempt at problem solving.

It’s curious how cheating partner’s unconsciously let their partner’s know they are cheating as if they want the main issue to comes out into the open. Cheating interrupts the emotional bond between two people. The break in trust hurts, shocks and shakes the betrayed partner. Often can be worked through in relationship counselling to build a stronger partnership. It’s a tough process and takes time to work through the root issues to a develop a more realistic sense of trust.

What can you do to reduce the possibility of cheating?

There are steps you can take to maintain and build the emotional connection in your relationship. A strong emotional connection reduces the likelihood of cheating. Schedule in time in your calendars each week to have special time together, maybe to go on a date or do something that nourishes your relationship. Take an interest in the emotional life of your partner, ask them what they would like more of/less of in the relationship. Find out what is important to them.

Learn how to express your feelings and needs openly so your partner can stay open. If you complain and attack then your partner is going to close and attack back.. We all have needs, yet society conditions us not to listen to our needs. Women are conditioned to think of others, not themselves, Men are conditioned to be in control and be strong. If we are not in touch of our needs and are unable to express them, we tend to unconsciously act out our needs. So to get in touch with your needs take some time by yourself and notice your body.

1.Notice any tightness in your stomach and chest. Just keep your attention on the area and wait expectantly to see what feelings come.

2.Put what you are feeling/needing into words.

3.Shape those words into a doable request. E.g. You notice some tightness under your rib cage..it’s fear that your partner is meeting some friends tonight and you are wanting to feel more connected to him. You realise you are needing reassurance and connection. You make a request to your partner..”I want to feel closer to you, I value spending time with you yet I feeling scared that you don’t want to spend time with me. I’d really like it if we could do something together on Thursday and I could really do with a hug right now”

The surprising thing is, that when we risk coming from our heart with what we want without attacking our partner, they feel connected to us and usually respond lovingly.

Men and women need appreciation in different ways.

• Men want to be admired ( they want to know they can get it right for you and be appreciated for it). So if you are woman ask your partner to help you with something that will make him feel good as a man and appreciate him for it.
• Women want to feel special. So men tune in to what makes your partner feel she is special to you: Does she respond to loving words, appreciations,gifts, you doing something for her, spending time together, surprise night out, physical touch? Women need to be told over and over that they are special. It’s hard to understand as a man how important it is.

Having Trouble Expressing How You Feel?

If you and your partner are getting into a negative cycles of arguing where one of you wants more and the other distances and you fear that this might lead to your partner cheating then take steps to address it now.

Find out more about Couples Counselling and how to avoid cheating at St Pancras Relationship Counselling London

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com

If you are dealing with some of the issues explored in this article within your relationship you may find it helpful to work with one of our online therapist:

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Photo credit: Ed Yourdon – http://www.flickr.com/photos/yourdon/2573762303/

Guest article
by Richard Cole

When you have done something wrong and your partner is upset the first step is to forgive yourself. Avoid if you can, going into shame and self-hate. This is what lies beneath the surface for most men, who react with anger and defensiveness.

There’s a dignity to be found in accepting yourself regardless of what you have done and through taking responsibility by being willing to remain present to your partner’s pain. You are as fallible as the next man. You are not alone in messing up. You can be present to your partner, comfort her, regret what you have done, make amends. You can learn from it without needing to criticise yourself to the point of self-hatred.

Are you feeling over-responsible? It helps to remember that while some of your partner’s pain is due to your actions, some of her pain is likely to come from earlier experiences which are nothing to do you. The hurts from the past might be stacked onto the current event. There’s no point arguing the details. Your partner is well versed in being emotional, you don’t need to worry about her being upset. You do need to be present and there for her.

There is no mental technique to make your partner’s upset go away. What is required is just to do your best to be there and be sincere. If at anytime that you feel overwhelmed, or angry, tell her you need a ‘time-out’ for 10 minutes. It’s essential that you make it clear that you really want to hear her out. and that you will be back in 10 minutes. If you are feeling scared or uncomfortable, soothe yourself by remembering she’s not your mother and she can’t, ‘make you or break you’ – only your self-judgment can.

Listen to her emotional flow. She doesn’t work like you,her communication style is based on emotional flow, so don’t expect her to speak like a man. Sift for the gold by translating inwardly any digs or criticism she may make into what she is saying she is needing now.E.g. Translate ‘ You never listen’, into, ‘I really want to be listened to right now’. It helps you both stay connected if you hold her hand or keep some kind of physical contact. Be attentive Every time you break contact,it feels like abandonment to her. Listen to the hurt she wants to express.

The content isn’t necessarily the message. Tune into what she is saying on a feeling level. Could it be that she feeling abandoned because you have been emotionally pulling away? Remember to keep your breathing flowing so you keep releasing what you are feeling, in response to what she is feeling. Holding your breath generates anxiety.

Don’t let any arrows of ‘you never do this..or do that!’ stick in. It might be her hurt speaking that is too tender to be directly expressed. If she is being unkind, just let her know by saying, ‘Ouch!’ which might be all you need to say. There are limits, and sometimes you need to tell her what the limit is. You can remain in your power and not accept attempts to punish you. Focus on what she is feeling and needing now. If it’s not clear, ask her.

There’s room for two realities – ‘yours’ and ‘hers’. Right now, focus on ‘hers’. You can show you are hearing what she is saying by reflecting it back to her without disagreeing or adding your interpretation. it’s a timing thing; first you need to listen and tune into what she is feeling. At this point there is no need to defend, no need to be right, no need to correct the details of truth. Let her get her emotional flow out first. The time to disagree is later. Show her you are listening..’I really want to check if I’m getting this…[repeat back the key themes]‘. If she is overcome with emotion give her time to express it…make physical contact..slow things down.

She doesn’t need perfection from you. She just wants you to hear her hurt. She wants you to take responsibility, to feel with her rather than rationalise. She wants to hear you say that you, ‘messed up’,so she knows you get it! without justification, without defending, without collapsing. It’s not…’I'm sorry..let me tell you all about me and how bad I feel’ ( she wants you to hear her feelings not tell her about you feeling bad ). Keep the focus on her. She needs you to be sincere and to be saying in your own words,’I regret so much that I’ve hurt you’. ‘I’ve hurt you..I messed up’. ‘I’ve let you down.’

At this point if you need to, discuss any misunderstandings. Remember that your focus is to hear each other’s feelings and needs in order to clear up the ‘held in’ feelings. Avoid reacting to score points or be ‘right’. It’s not worth it.

She wants reassurance that you will take some kind of action or make an adjustment to avoid repeating what you have done. You don’t need to make promises or prove anything to her. It’s not about convincing her. When you ‘understand that you need to make an adjustment in how you are treating her’ on a feeling level, she feels the change in you straight-away. She wants reassurance that she is special to you, that you love and care for her.

If you get this more or less right, the upset goes and it’s done with. If she keeps bringing it up, it could be because the hurt goes deep and need more expression or because you are not heart-felt in acknowledging the ‘feeling message’ in what she is saying. It could be that you have not taken the action required.

Recap

1.First, forgive yourself for messing up
2.Listen to your partner’s emotional flow
3.Check out with her that you have got the’ feeling message’.
4.Take responsibility for what she is right about first. ‘You are right, I’ve messed up, I let you down’. Express regret. Don’t argue the details. Focus on the clear up.
5.Set limits if necessary. Don’t accept punishment
6.Discuss disagreements if you need to.
7.Reassure her.
8.Walk your Talk: Make adjustments to remedy the situation.

Most men find staying present when they have ‘messed up’ somewhere between: hard to impossible. It’s not easy! You and your partner trigger bonding patterns in each other that pushes each other’s buttons like no-one else can. It takes two.

If you would like to better understand why you trigger each other and get stuck in arguments please contact me to arrange Couples Counselling in London

Richard Cole is Relationship Counsellor at St Pancras Relationship Counselling London.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/

If you are dealing with some of the issues explored in this article within your relationship you may find it helpful to work with a therapist:

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Here are some Communication Skills That Will Help Your Relationship

Most couples that come for couples counselling main aim is to communicate better and reduce the time spend in arguments. Good communication is important as it is the way that couples stay emotionally connected and know that they care for each other and are loved. Communication is a skill that is partly knowing how to do it and mostly about risking being open and coming from the heart.

Here are some of the key tips gained from my experience as a relationship counsellor offering relationship counselling:

Talk About It

• Being honest and real with each other is a scary thing, yet it’s the way to go.
• It’s important to keep a “clean heart” towards each other so if something is bothering you, that makes you feel distant from your partner don’t let it go, or minimise it – share it.
• If you are fearful of having arguments or upsetting each other it’s well worth getting some support to understand your fears. It’s important that you can be true to yourself.

Prioritise Having A Relationship Instead of Arguing About Who Is Right

• Rather than argue in a power struggle over who is “right”, allow room for two realities that can both be valid.
• Focus on what you want rather than arguing the details of who said what, when, and who is right. You both are! It doesn’t matter that you see the world differently along as you can agree a way forward that meets both your needs.
  Be curious about what is important to your partner. Respect the things that they say are important, are important, to them.
• Sometimes it can feel that your partner is out to put you down when really underneath they want connect with you.

There’s Room Male Logic and Female Feeling

• Men tend to focus on the content of what is said and argue the details whereas women tend to focus on the feelings underneath. In an argument it can be like a man and woman being on two different radio channels, wishing the other to tune into their channel.
• Here’s a story that helps explain the differences: In ancient times of hunter-gatherers men would go and hunt.The men would need to focus on one thing and be direct with each other to work together to survive the hunt. Women would be busy child-rearing and keeping the social network together. Survival was about keeping the social harmony. Women avoided directness as it was too confrontational and left them feeling vulnerable of being excluded from the group. They learnt the art of subtle indirect communication where it was only necessary to hint at what was needed and the other women would pick things up without their being any confrontation. What was important was how each person felt and keeping the harmony and connection in the group. In modern times there is still the conditioning of men being validated for their logic and women being validated for their ability to tune in and connect in feeling.
• Men and women can benefit from honouring and appreciating the differences between the genders and realise that we have different life journeys and social conditioning. For many it’s a massive shift to stop expecting a partner to communicate in the same way they do. Men expect women to be logical and women expect men to pick up indirect signals.
• Men can learn to listen to the feeling and respond with feeling on the “feeling channel” and women can learn to speak directly and with fewer words to men on the “logic channel”.

In Arguments First Seek To Understand

• In an argument both people want to be heard. It’s hard to remember when you are in the heat of emotion, but the way through is to be able to stand back a bit and first seek to understand what your partner is trying to say.Learn to listen to message underneath the content.
• Show you are listening and understanding by respectfully interrupting your partner by saying,’Let me see if I’m getting this..’ then; repeat back what you have heard ( without adding any judgments or justifications ). You don’t have to agree with what your partner said or question it – first show you are hearing what is said. Then check with your partner if they have more to add. Let them finish before responding. You don’t need to repeat back everything just the key bits. Yes it can be difficult to do this!
• Often the message sent isn’t the message received. Your partner may believe you are criticising them when that isn’t your intention. Sometimes it is worth asking them to say back to you what they heard you say. This does need to be sensitively done so your partner understands that your intention is to show care and insure that there isn’t any miscommunication rather than your intention being to control or patronise them.
• Men, women rarely want you to offer solutions to what they are telling you about, unless they specifically ask. They are wanting you to hear them out and tell them that everything will be ok. E.g. you believe they will sort it out.

Schedule Quality Time Together

• Schedule time together into your diaries so you have quality time with your partner each week so there is time to nourish your emotional bond and have fun together.
• Notice what you appreciate about your partner and tell them regularly.
• The ratio of appreciation to bringing up issues should be 5 to 1. Appreciate your partner 5 times more often than bringing up issues.
• Consciously ensure that you have uninterrupted time for love making. Allow plenty of time to connect and relax together before lovemaking so you are ready to make love in a connected way rather than use lovemaking as a way of discharging tension.

Say What You Need

Women, focus on what you are feeling and what you are needing specifically when speaking to men.Use fewer words. Men easily feel overwhelmed with lots of words and tend to want to focus on one thing at once.

• Good communication comes from a willingness to share who you are and that means risking being vulnerable and saying what you need.
• Say what you are feeling using ‘I” Statements rather than focusing on what your partner is doing wrong using “You”eg I’m needing…. I’m feeling……I would like..Not ‘You always…or you never…’.
• The way to motivate men to do something is to communicate what you are wanting specifically. Men want to feel appreciated and trusted to deliver so if you show you have faith in your partner and are trusting him to sort something out, and will appreciate him for doing something he’s going to be more responsive.It’s a confidence trick, if you act with trust and respect it comes back.

1.Make your request as calmly as possible

2.Get agreement that he is willing to do it

3.Back off, so he is left with it. You are trusting him with it so you must maintain that trust for a period of time

4.If you need to follow it up repeat the process and agree a specific time.

5.If you need to follow up again, say how you feel about the importance of trusting his word, how in small and in big things him keeping his word is important for you to feel safe with him.

See the Part You Play In Any Issue

• Relationship issues take two. A relationship is a system where the behaviour of one effects the feelings of the other and vice versa. If one of you is feeling insecure that could be because both of you are not talking enough for there to be a secure feeling connection.
• Avoid Saying your partner is “The Problem”..eg avoid..’the problem with you is…”

Stay Connected

• Many arguments stem from there being lack of connection between you. If you focus on reconnecting rather than on “the content” of the argument it helps.
• Make physical contact by touching on the arm/shoulder or hand to hand with your partner as this maintains a feeling of care and connection.
• Men, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed with the speed of women talking so it’s essential to jump in, touch her on the hand or arm and interrupt her respectfully and say,’let me see if I’m getting this’. This helps you both slow down and keep connected.
• if you are feeling overwhelmed in an argument tell your partner you need a time out for 20 mins and check that is Ok. The key thing is to stress that you want to sort this out and you will be back after the agreed time. You need to keep your word about reengaging for this to work.
• Instead of distancing or sulking, take the risk of saying how you feel and what you need. If you do need time by yourself tell your partner and say when you will be ready to reconnect so they don’t feel abandoned eg. I need some time by self right now to think over what we have said – how about me meet up in an hour.

Give Your Partner What They Need

• Women are born into a crowded world of other women and due to that and conditioning have a basic need to feel “special”.
• Men are born needing to separate from mother to become men and due to that and conditioning need to feel trusted, believed in and appreciated.
• Women need to feel “special” and men need to feel “appreciated”.
• If you act towards your partner being sensitive to the basic needs you get the joy of giving your partner what they need.

When You Can’t communicate

• Communicating in a relationship is multi-layered. On the top layer are communication skills. These are the practical things you can do to improve communication with your partner which are useful to know and practise.
• You might find through that you get emotionally triggered despite your best efforts to change how you communicate. This is because of the bonding patterns we learnt about how safe it is to connect to others. It’s uncanny how couple’s have matching bonding patterns which are made up from:

  1.What you learnt about what it is to be a man or a woman

  2.What you learnt about relationships

  3.Your experience of love and conflict in your family

  4.What you learnt about power and vulnerability

If you are getting stuck in the same arguments, consider couples counselling in London as a way of giving yourself and your partner the support you need to communicate better and feel emotionally closer. You don’t need to figure it all out yourself.

Richard Cole,UKCP Accredited psychotherapist, works at St Pancras Relationship Counselling, London which offers marriage counselling, couples counselling and marriage advice.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com

If you are dealing with some of the issues explored in this article within your relationship you may find it helpful to work with a therapist:

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In this article I share my experience working as a relationship counsellor with couples where there has been a break of trust. I describe some common themes and how relationship counselling can help.

When I work with couples, I find out some general details about their relationship and then we look at why they have come. Here are some typical issues around affairs, betrayal and break of trust:

• I looked on his email and found he was involved in Internet dating
• I broke into her phone and found a message from her ex lover
• He told me that he met up with and kissed a girl from work
• He just told me that he has been having an affair
• I found out that he slept with someone else while we were engaged
• I discovered that he looks at Internet porn secretively and lied to me about it
• He lied about seeing a female “friend” and we argue about it all the time

The betrayed partners tend to be wondering:

The Betrayed partners tend to be wondering:

• How can we get through this?
• I want to save my marriage but she doesn’t trust me
• It sounds stupid, but I don’t know why I saw this other woman /man
• Has it come to this? Do we need relationship counselling?
• How long before this all goes away and we can back to how it was?
• I feel bad about what I did. I’ve said sorry, yet she keeps going on
• When will she get over it?
• She has lied to me. I don’t think I can get over that. It hurts my pride

Here are some themes that help:

Can we survive this?

Affairs / Betrayals break the bond of trust in a relationship. The emotional crisis and shock that follow naturally press couple to seek support and answers. Relationship counselling provides a framework to hold off making any big decisions so that there is time to work things through. It is not possible at the outset to know the impact of betrayal on a relationship. Many couples do work things through and some don’t. A betrayal does change a relationship. Paradoxically it can make a relationship stronger as you have been forced to really look at what is going on. Trust returns over time, yet instead of blind trust, it’s an informed trust that comes through honest communication.

Wanting to Know the Details

Wanting to know the details in order to understand is an attempt to deal with feelings of hurt. The belief is that if we know all the details then we will feel better. Upto a point it’s only natural to want to know the details. The thing to notice is when going over and over the details is a way of avoiding feeling. It is only through the process of feeling the feelings that peace is found. Relationship counselling can help you express what you are feeling and give you support to trust the process of feeling.

Sometimes I see couples where an affair occurred some time ago. They felt they dealt with it yet the betrayed partner still brings it up. She hurts about it and wants to know ‘Why?”. He is sick of feeling bad about it every time she brings it up. They may have come to see me about something else. The “unresolved” affair is at the root of the issue.

Sometimes couples come when the affair has just been uncovered. They are in crisis and shock. The betrayed partner wants to know the details. The betraying partner tends to cover things up and the details come out drip by drip. It’s a problem. All discussions are about the details. One feels unsafe, the other defensive.

Taking Responsibility and Making Amends

Many men are conditioned to avoid being wrong and consequently avoid conflict. This is true for some women too. When the betraying partners are faced with their wrongdoing and anger/hurt of their partner they feel shame and don’t know how to respond. As a result they can’t remember details, go numb, feel angry, distance, don’t want to talk it or become defensive. The rub is that they need to take responsibility for what they have done. The betraying partners need to find a place of dignity and acceptance of making a mistake. They need stay open, be present to their partner so he/she can work through the feelings. When they can hear their partner’s experience fully and are willing to engage, connection is re-established, their partner feels it and the healing starts.

The Difference between Blind Trust and Informed Trust

A betrayal/Affair means giving up fantasies and illusions about love and relationships and that might involve grieving the loss of blind trust.

When you have been betrayed by your partner it doesn’t make sense to blindly trust them again. You need to move from automatic blind trust to building informed trust. Informed trust is not just there, it something you build and work at together over time.

Blind trust is the belief that love means your partner is always one with you and would never hurt you. Blind trust confuses trust with love and ignores the complexities of relationships and outside factors. Informed trust is a trust that his built by sharing one’s emotional self, by accepting the reality of who the other person is, by honest communication and working together to resolve differences and through having fun together.

An Affair is a Relationship Issue

An affair or betrayal is an attempt at problem solving something that has not been able to be worked though in the relationship. It’s true that the betrayer needs to take responsibility for what they have done. The 2nd step is for both partners to look at what could not be spoken about in the relationship that lead to the affair.

How Relationship Counselling helps

Relationship counselling provides a framework to manage the crisis.

It helps by:

• Giving space to make sense of what has happened
• Slowing down interactions so feelings of anger/hurt can be expressed
• Understanding what was happening in the relationship
• Detoxifying arguments and understanding patterns
• Addressing concerns about trust and what to do
• Re-building connection and trust.

Conclusion

If you have experienced a break of trust. It’s worth going together with your partner to relationship counselling and give yourself time to work things through rather than feeling you must split up or move out. It can feel such a relief to speak about what happened to a relationship counsellor and allow time to process what has happened.

Copyright (2011) Richard Cole

Richard Cole is a relationship counsellor who specialises in working with couples at St Pancras Relationship Counselling and Couples Counselling in London.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com

If you are dealing with some of the issues explored in this article within your relationship you may find it helpful to work with a therapist:

Book Therapy

Guest article
by Richard Cole

Most couples feel relief when they come to relationship counselling when they realise that the arguments they are having, other couples have and that it’s normal to argue at particular stages in a relationship! It’s also a relief that most issues can be worked through. Let’s look at the 5 stages relationships go through:

• 1.Attraction – Little effort is required to feeling loving and loved
• 2.Maintenance – Getting to know each other through day to day living
• 3.Polarisation – Conflicts and arguments arise that create distance
• 4.Healing – Conflicts are worked through
• 5.Intimacy – Trust and good communication bring security and closeness.

These stages show how relationships change over time and helps us see that periods of conflict are normal. Let’s look at each these stages to see how seeking relationship counselling can help.

Attraction – Feeling Loving and Feeling Loved

In the Attraction Stage we see the best of each other. We are attracted to our partner’s qualities that compliment us or that we would like more of in ourselves. Attraction as well as being physical, is based on common values, similar status, shared ambitions and interests also has an unconscious element. Our unconscious attracts us to someone who is “familiar” who fits our unconscious relationship bonding pattern. Relationship counselling helps at this stage if there are fears of things not working out.

Maintenance – Day to Day Living

We get to know each other through the routines of life. It’s inevitable that some of the feelings of desire and passion fade. We may face disappointment when our partner doesn’t live up to the image we had of them. In this stage we might not feel safe to be fully ourselves and say what we feel, so we find ways of avoiding major conflict and feeling vulnerable. We avoid the big issues out of the fear of losing the love we want. We are comfortably close, yet avoid becoming closer, even though would like to be close. Our relationship may look fine on the outside, yet on the inside the caution leads to a lack of energy and sexual desire for each other. Relationship counselling can help couples in this stage communicate better and feel safe about being authentic about what is important to them. More authenticity and trust brings more life energy to the relationship.

Polarisation – Conflicts and Arguments Create Distance

Polarisation is the stage of conflict, where arguing and strong feelings pull us further apart. It called the Polarisation stage because differences become a repelling force making us feel so opposite from our partner. Arguments become unmanageable; issues can’t be talked over and resentment builds. We may be caught up in hurt feelings and begin to distrust our partner. There might be a sense of failure and a longing for things to go back as they were at the beginning of the relationship. Polarisation can be triggered by events such as:-

• Making a commitment
• Moving in together
• Soon after getting married
• Around having children
• A break of trust

Typically polarisation starts a few years into a marriage or relationship where it feels safe to move beyond the maintenance stage. Sometimes a partner attempt to deals with a feeling of disconnection through using pornography, drinking, having an affair or doing something that breaks trust. Our parents or caregivers unconsciously give us a template on how to be in relationship. It’s where we learned how to be loved and how to defend ourselves from being hurt. Our unconscious bonding patterns are still active now and they seek to re-enact our early life experiences with our partner in the hope of things turning out differently. It’s bizarre, yet it’s just how our unconscious works! Have you noticed how our partners can push our buttons like no other person can? Some couples are fortunate in that they can work through or live with their bonding patterns without external support, yet for many of us our bonding patterns bring up strong emotions and feelings that are too much to be dealt with alone. Relationship counselling offers a safe space to understand how you trigger your partner and they trigger you. You learn how to manage your bonding patterns so that you can step back, see what is going on, and learn to respond rather than react. You bring the love and appreciation of each other back into your relationship. Relationship Counselling shows you how to communication with each other that builds loving feelings and emotional safety

Healing – Conflicts are Worked Through

Healing is a process that happens over time as we learn to include both our strength and vulnerability. We learn the limits of what our partner can give us how to love and nourish ourselves at the times our partner can’t. We take responsibility for the relationship patterns that are no longer serving us. We learn to risk trusting again. Relationship counselling gives you the opportunity/ skills/ framework to stop blaming each other and work together on the shared bonding pattern. You can end ‘the relationship (pattern) as it is” and learn tog ether step by step how to love and connect to the over from a place of emotional freedom, authentic intimacy, power and choice.

Intimacy – Trust and Good Communication Bring Security

We all want to love and be loved. In order for ‘a meeting of hearts’ to take place, barriers must be dropped. Intimacy is a challenge for most of us as it requires us to step into the unknown, risk rejection and open our hearts. So often in moments of intimacy we connect to our past longing felt as ‘old pain’,which adds to the challenge of staying open. Relationship counselling helps you learn how to emotionally connect to each other and so you feel secure that your partner is there for you.

Conclusion

Relationships are a great challenge for most people. Some never dare to discuss with their partner how they really feel inside (stay stuck in the Maintenance Stage); Others put up with and conflict and hostility (stay stuck in Polarisation Stage) or believe the solution is to leave their relationship. Often It’s just when everything feels stuck and hopeless and in crisis that there is the motivation to face up to what is not working. My experience is that most couples find Relationship Counselling a relief. They find it’s a worthwhile process that nourishes their relationship. Copyright. 2011 Richard Cole

Richard Cole is Relationship Counsellor based in Central London at St Pancras Relationship Counselling. He is a UKCP accredited psychosynthesis psychotherapist with specialist training in couple counselling.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com

Another option is online therapy:

Book Therapy

Guest Article
by Ali Bierman

Cell phones and computers change how we do relationships–not always for the better. The more devices we use the less we need human contact.

I remember the gigantic box that housed the tiny television screen when televisions first came into homes and there were only three channels. All the shows were live and anything could happen– and sometimes did. Commercials were live too.

When I was nine transistor radios came out. Oh man. How cool was it to carry around a small radio (by the standards in the 1960s) and play your music without having to plug in anything!

Life back then was so different. People talked to each other live in person. You did things together without having to plug in anything or get special devices. And best of all you had your privacy. When you were not home no one could call you and bug you. No one interrupted your time together.

When you left work, you left work. People didn’t worry about losing business if they were not available 24/7!

When you went to a restaurant you talked with the people at the table not with others not even present! You didn’t know every little bit of personal information about others unless they chose to share themselves with you.

Life was peaceful and quiet–and intimate.

Then computers happened.

Suddenly the world shrank down to a small blue marble. When I was a kid we had to schedule international calls two weeks in advance and hope the connection allowed us to converse. Now you sit down at your computer and video chat at any time-without paying $12 per minute.

I love my computer and I feel very grateful for all the devices that make life easier. There seems to be some device to uncomplicate and speed up most chores theses days.

When I was moving across the country during a severe winter storm and came upon a closed super highway with a detour, the signs directed us off the road but never told us how to get back on. I used my cell phone to reach a friend with a computer who found where I was and directed me back to civilization.

I would not want to be without my modern conveniences. However, I turn off my cell phone and computer to enjoy being with friends and family.

I like quiet. I like being fully present with those with whom I find myself physically present.

I like to choose when to connect. And with caller ID I get to decide if I even want to connect at all! That luxury currently evades me on places like Facebook where the moment I pop on someone wants to chat despite the fact that I disable my availability.

You know what is ironic? All these “must-haves” that are so everywhere present were designed to give us more leisure time. The result is that people have less leisure time to kick back and just Be.

How about you? Do you find life easier?

Are your relationships better because of cell phones, texting and computers with instant messaging? Does modern civilization help or hinder creating and maintaining close relationships?

Ready to discover the secrets to have amazing relationships and completely change your life? click the link below NOW for your free video revealing the #1 secret of why you attract the partners you do and bonus recording from Ali’s 7 Secrets to Relationships That Last and Last System.

Go to http://howtohaveamazingrelationships.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/

If you are dealing with some of the issues explored in this article within your relationship you may find it helpful to work with a therapist:

Book Therapy

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Your partner has ended your relationship and your head is spinning. You can’t believe this is the end and you want to know how to get back together with your ex. The first step in that process is finding out what went wrong in your relationship in the first place.

There are all kinds of little things that could have gone wrong and put an end to your relationship. In the end, however, the reasons for a failed relationship can often be traced back to one of these six basic problems.

Jealousy
Jealousy is not brought on by something someone else says or does. It’s actually an emotion that comes from within you. Jealousy can occur for many reasons including lack of self-confidence, poor self-image, fear, or insecurity. Not only will jealousy make you suspicious and miserable it will also poison a relationship.

Attachment
When you’re in a relationship you naturally want to spend time with the one you love. That can, however, be taken too far. If you expect your partner to spend every waking moment with you or you are constantly expecting undivided attention at all times then you’ve become too emotionally attached. Everyone needs some personal space from time to time. It’s important to understand and accept that in a relationship.

Domination
It is only natural to want the best for someone you care about. It’s also normal to offer suggestions and input in that regard. You can’t, however, force your will onto others, no matter how pure your intentions. You have to respect your partner’s ideas and ways of doing things in order to have a healthy relationship.

Selfishness
This is a huge reason why relationships fail. It’s human nature to sometimes put yourself first. However, when you only think about your wants and needs you’re alienating your partner. You have to learn to balance your needs and interests with those of your partner. A true relationship is give and take.

No Time
It’s important to make time for the things that are most important to us. Relationships don’t just happen and they don’t just keep going. It takes time to make them and time to keep them.

Finding Fault
Everyone is human and everyone has faults. You’ll never find anyone who will live up to every expectation you have. In order to maintain a relationship though, you have to accept your partner’s perceived faults. It is unfair and unrealistic to expect someone to change to meet your expectations of a perfect partner.

Relationships are complicated. They don’t fall apart overnight. It takes time for a relationship to fail and that failure is usually caused by some combination of the problems above.

If you aren’t ready to give up on your relationship, there is still hope. First you must identify the problems that caused your break up and address them. Only then you can focus all your efforts on getting back together with your partner.

So how do you get back together with your ex now that you have figured out your relationship problems? Do you know the right steps to take? You probably think you do but you may be surprised. Most people that want to get back with their ex actually drive him/her further away. Don’t make that mistake. Check out The Magic of Making Up. These simple and proven methods worked for me and they will work for you.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/

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