logo

Improving Family Communication

Posted by admin on Nov 19, 2011 in Articles, relationships | Comments Off
logo

Developing better communication as a couple and a family

Family communication refers to the way verbal and non-verbal information is exchanged between family members. Communication involves the ability not only to hear what others are saying, but to take it on board. In other words, an important part of communication is not just talking, but listening to what others have to say.

Communication within a family enables members to express their needs, wants, and concerns to each other. Open and honest communication creates an atmosphere that allows family members to express their differences as well as their love and admiration for one another. It is through communication that family members are able to resolve the unavoidable problems that occasionally arise in all families.

Just as effective communication is almost always found in strong, healthy families, poor communication is usually found in unhealthy family relationships. Family therapists often report that poor communication is a common complaint of families who are having difficulties. Poor communication is unclear and indirect, leading to frequent misunderstandings. It can lead to numerous family problems, including conflict, ineffective problem solving, lack of intimacy, and weak emotional bonding.

Researchers have discovered a strong link between communication patterns and satisfaction with family relationships (Noller and Fitzpatrick, 1990, Marital communication in the eighties.). One researcher discovered that the more positively couples rated their communication, the more satisfied they were with their relationship five and a half years later (Markman, 1981, Application of a behavioral model of marriage in predicting relationship satisfaction of couples planning marriage.).

Poor communication is also associated with an increased risk of divorce and marital separation and more behavioural problems in children.


instrumental and affective communication

Communication can be divided into two different areas: instrumental and affective. Instrumental communication is the exchange of factual information that enables individuals to fulfil common family functions (e.g., telling a child that he/she will be picked up from school at a specific time and location). Affective communication is the way individual family members share their emotions with one another and talk about how they are feeling.

Some families function extremely well with instrumental communication, yet have great difficulty with affective communication. Healthy families are able to communicate well in both areas.

types of communication

Communication can be clear or masked and direct or indirect. Clear communication occurs when messages are spoken plainly and the content is easily understood by other family members. Masked communication occurs when the message is muddied or vague.

Communication is direct if the person spoken to is the person for whom the message is intended. In contrast, communication is indirect if the message is not directed to the person for whom it is intended.

Epstein et al. (1993) have identified the following four styles of communication.

  • Clear and Direct Communication: Clear and direct communication is the most healthy form of communication and occurs when the message is stated plainly and directly to the appropriate family member. An example of this style of communication is when a father, disappointed about his son failing to complete his chore, states, ‘I’m disappointed that you forgot to fill the dishwasher today without my having to remind you.’
  • Clear and Indirect Communication: In this second style of communication, the message is clear, but it is not directed to the person for whom it is intended. Using the previous example, the father might say, ‘It’s disappointing when people forget to complete their chores.’ In this message the son may not know that his father is referring to him.
  • Masked and Direct Communication: Masked and direct communication occurs when the content of the message is unclear, but directed to the appropriate family member. The father in our example may say something like, “Son, people just don’t work as hard as they used to.”
  • Masked and Indirect Communication: Masked and indirect communication occurs when both the message and intended recipient are unclear. In unhealthy family relationships, communication tends to be very masked and indirect. An example of this type of communication might be the father stating, ‘The youth of today are very lazy.’

building effective family communication

There are many things that families can do to improve the quality of their relationships by communicating better, including:

  • Communicate Frequently: One of the most difficult challenges facing families today is finding time to spend together. According to a recent Wall Street Journal survey, 40% of the respondents stated that lack of time was a greater problem for them than lack of money.
  • Communicate Clearly and Directly: Healthy families are able to communicate their thoughts and feelings in a clear and direct manner. This is especially important when attempting to resolve problems that arise between family members (e.g., spouse, parent-child). Indirect and vague communication will not only fail to resolve problems, but will also contribute to a lack of intimacy and emotional bonding between family members.
  • Be An Active Listener: An essential aspect of effective communication is listening to what others are saying and taking it on board. Active listening also involves acknowledging and respecting the other person’s point of view. We’ll be discussing active listening in more depth shortly.

    In order for effective communication to take place within families, individual family members must be open and honest with one another. This openness and honesty will set the stage for trusting relationships. Without trust, families cannot build strong relationships. Parents, especially, are responsible for providing a safe environment that allows family members to openly express their thoughts and feelings.

  • Pay Attention to Non-Verbal Messages: In addition to carefully listening to what is being said, effective communicators also pay close attention to the non-verbal behaviours of other family members. For example, a spouse or child may say something verbally, but their facial expressions or body language may be saying something completely different. In cases such as these, it is important to find out how the person is really feeling.
  • Be Positive: While it is often necessary to address problems between family members, or to deal with negative situations, effective communication is primarily positive. Marital and family researchers have discovered that unhappy family relationships are often the result of negative communication patterns (e.g., criticism, contempt, defensiveness). John Gottman and his colleagues found that satisfied married couples had five positive interactions to every one negative interaction (Gottman, 1994, Nonlinear differential equation models of marital interaction. In S. Johnson and L. Greenberg (Eds.), The heart of the matter: Perspectives on emotion in marital therapy). Couples who are very dissatisfied with their relationships typically engage in more negative interactions than positive. It is very important for family members to verbally compliment and encourage one another.

Communication is key to successful family functioning. Researchers agree that clear, open, and frequent communication is a basic characteristic of a strong, healthy family. Families that communicate in healthy ways are more capable of problem-solving and tend to be more satisfied with their relationships.

If you are finding it difficult to communicate with your partner or other family members, working with a relationship counselor may be helpful.

Book Therapy

Did you like this? Share it:

Comments are closed.

logo
logo
Powered by WordPress | Designed by Elegant Themes