Why do Men and Women Cheat?

Couples Counselling: Cheating – Why do Men and Women Cheat?
Guest Article
by
Richard Cole

The most basic answer to why do men cheat isn’t because they want sex. Men cheat because they miss the feeling of being admired and feeling a woman positively responding to them. Usually with their partner they feel criticised and undermined. Men need to feel they can make their partner happy and to feel admired and trusted. Men are motivated by knowing ‘they can get things right’ for their partner.

A lot of arguments are not really about the surface things, rather they are about a woman feeling the loss of an emotional connection and bond with their man. Not enough connection feels like abandonment. In an attempt to regain a connection women complain and tell their men what they are not doing right. Unfortunately men don’t know that the complaining and criticism is actually a desire for connection. The men begin to feel they ‘can’t get it right for her’ and lose self esteem.

Once the pattern starts, of a man distancing and a woman complaining the man can become discouraged. When he tries to do the right thing he soon gives up when the appreciation he longs for doesn’t come instantly ( He should persevere!) He distances more which makes the lack of connection even worse. At these times some men are vulnerable to cheating on their partner to get a sense of self esteem. They attempt to re-experience what it is like to have a woman’s positive attention. It’s not really about sex at all. It’s about the need to be admired.

Women cheat much less than men. They cheat as a last resort when they feel taken for granted by their partner. Women wish to feel appreciated, desired and special to their partner. Some women are more vulnerable to cheating if they have friends who cheat as makes it seem more acceptable. The key factor for cheating is that their partner has ignored their attempts to emotionally re-connect. Women cheat because their partner doesn’t listen to them. On the unconscious level an affair is an attempt at problem solving.

It’s curious how cheating partner’s unconsciously let their partner’s know they are cheating as if they want the main issue to comes out into the open. Cheating interrupts the emotional bond between two people. The break in trust hurts, shocks and shakes the betrayed partner. Often can be worked through in relationship counselling to build a stronger partnership. It’s a tough process and takes time to work through the root issues to a develop a more realistic sense of trust.

What can you do to reduce the possibility of cheating?

There are steps you can take to maintain and build the emotional connection in your relationship. A strong emotional connection reduces the likelihood of cheating. Schedule in time in your calendars each week to have special time together, maybe to go on a date or do something that nourishes your relationship. Take an interest in the emotional life of your partner, ask them what they would like more of/less of in the relationship. Find out what is important to them.

Learn how to express your feelings and needs openly so your partner can stay open. If you complain and attack then your partner is going to close and attack back.. We all have needs, yet society conditions us not to listen to our needs. Women are conditioned to think of others, not themselves, Men are conditioned to be in control and be strong. If we are not in touch of our needs and are unable to express them, we tend to unconsciously act out our needs. So to get in touch with your needs take some time by yourself and notice your body.

1.Notice any tightness in your stomach and chest. Just keep your attention on the area and wait expectantly to see what feelings come.

2.Put what you are feeling/needing into words.

3.Shape those words into a doable request. E.g. You notice some tightness under your rib cage..it’s fear that your partner is meeting some friends tonight and you are wanting to feel more connected to him. You realise you are needing reassurance and connection. You make a request to your partner..”I want to feel closer to you, I value spending time with you yet I feeling scared that you don’t want to spend time with me. I’d really like it if we could do something together on Thursday and I could really do with a hug right now”

The surprising thing is, that when we risk coming from our heart with what we want without attacking our partner, they feel connected to us and usually respond lovingly.

Men and women need appreciation in different ways.

• Men want to be admired ( they want to know they can get it right for you and be appreciated for it). So if you are woman ask your partner to help you with something that will make him feel good as a man and appreciate him for it.
• Women want to feel special. So men tune in to what makes your partner feel she is special to you: Does she respond to loving words, appreciations,gifts, you doing something for her, spending time together, surprise night out, physical touch? Women need to be told over and over that they are special. It’s hard to understand as a man how important it is.

Having Trouble Expressing How You Feel?

If you and your partner are getting into a negative cycles of arguing where one of you wants more and the other distances and you fear that this might lead to your partner cheating then take steps to address it now.

Find out more about Couples Counselling and how to avoid cheating at St Pancras Relationship Counselling London

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Photo credit: Ed Yourdon – http://www.flickr.com/photos/yourdon/2573762303/