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Guest article
by Richard Cole
When you have done something wrong and your partner is upset the first step is to forgive yourself. Avoid if you can, going into shame and self-hate. This is what lies beneath the surface for most men, who react with anger and defensiveness.
There’s a dignity to be found in accepting yourself regardless of what you have done and through taking responsibility by being willing to remain present to your partner’s pain. You are as fallible as the next man. You are not alone in messing up. You can be present to your partner, comfort her, regret what you have done, make amends. You can learn from it without needing to criticise yourself to the point of self-hatred.
Are you feeling over-responsible? It helps to remember that while some of your partner’s pain is due to your actions, some of her pain is likely to come from earlier experiences which are nothing to do you. The hurts from the past might be stacked onto the current event. There’s no point arguing the details. Your partner is well versed in being emotional, you don’t need to worry about her being upset. You do need to be present and there for her.
There is no mental technique to make your partner’s upset go away. What is required is just to do your best to be there and be sincere. If at anytime that you feel overwhelmed, or angry, tell her you need a ‘time-out’ for 10 minutes. It’s essential that you make it clear that you really want to hear her out. and that you will be back in 10 minutes. If you are feeling scared or uncomfortable, soothe yourself by remembering she’s not your mother and she can’t, ‘make you or break you’ – only your self-judgment can.
Listen to her emotional flow. She doesn’t work like you,her communication style is based on emotional flow, so don’t expect her to speak like a man. Sift for the gold by translating inwardly any digs or criticism she may make into what she is saying she is needing now.E.g. Translate ‘ You never listen’, into, ‘I really want to be listened to right now’. It helps you both stay connected if you hold her hand or keep some kind of physical contact. Be attentive Every time you break contact,it feels like abandonment to her. Listen to the hurt she wants to express.
The content isn’t necessarily the message. Tune into what she is saying on a feeling level. Could it be that she feeling abandoned because you have been emotionally pulling away? Remember to keep your breathing flowing so you keep releasing what you are feeling, in response to what she is feeling. Holding your breath generates anxiety.
Don’t let any arrows of ‘you never do this..or do that!’ stick in. It might be her hurt speaking that is too tender to be directly expressed. If she is being unkind, just let her know by saying, ‘Ouch!’ which might be all you need to say. There are limits, and sometimes you need to tell her what the limit is. You can remain in your power and not accept attempts to punish you. Focus on what she is feeling and needing now. If it’s not clear, ask her.
There’s room for two realities – ‘yours’ and ‘hers’. Right now, focus on ‘hers’. You can show you are hearing what she is saying by reflecting it back to her without disagreeing or adding your interpretation. it’s a timing thing; first you need to listen and tune into what she is feeling. At this point there is no need to defend, no need to be right, no need to correct the details of truth. Let her get her emotional flow out first. The time to disagree is later. Show her you are listening..’I really want to check if I’m getting this…[repeat back the key themes]‘. If she is overcome with emotion give her time to express it…make physical contact..slow things down.
She doesn’t need perfection from you. She just wants you to hear her hurt. She wants you to take responsibility, to feel with her rather than rationalise. She wants to hear you say that you, ‘messed up’,so she knows you get it! without justification, without defending, without collapsing. It’s not…’I'm sorry..let me tell you all about me and how bad I feel’ ( she wants you to hear her feelings not tell her about you feeling bad ). Keep the focus on her. She needs you to be sincere and to be saying in your own words,’I regret so much that I’ve hurt you’. ‘I’ve hurt you..I messed up’. ‘I’ve let you down.’
At this point if you need to, discuss any misunderstandings. Remember that your focus is to hear each other’s feelings and needs in order to clear up the ‘held in’ feelings. Avoid reacting to score points or be ‘right’. It’s not worth it.
She wants reassurance that you will take some kind of action or make an adjustment to avoid repeating what you have done. You don’t need to make promises or prove anything to her. It’s not about convincing her. When you ‘understand that you need to make an adjustment in how you are treating her’ on a feeling level, she feels the change in you straight-away. She wants reassurance that she is special to you, that you love and care for her.
If you get this more or less right, the upset goes and it’s done with. If she keeps bringing it up, it could be because the hurt goes deep and need more expression or because you are not heart-felt in acknowledging the ‘feeling message’ in what she is saying. It could be that you have not taken the action required.
Recap
1.First, forgive yourself for messing up
2.Listen to your partner’s emotional flow
3.Check out with her that you have got the’ feeling message’.
4.Take responsibility for what she is right about first. ‘You are right, I’ve messed up, I let you down’. Express regret. Don’t argue the details. Focus on the clear up.
5.Set limits if necessary. Don’t accept punishment
6.Discuss disagreements if you need to.
7.Reassure her.
8.Walk your Talk: Make adjustments to remedy the situation.
Most men find staying present when they have ‘messed up’ somewhere between: hard to impossible. It’s not easy! You and your partner trigger bonding patterns in each other that pushes each other’s buttons like no-one else can. It takes two.
If you would like to better understand why you trigger each other and get stuck in arguments please contact me to arrange Couples Counselling in London
Richard Cole is Relationship Counsellor at St Pancras Relationship Counselling London.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/
If you are dealing with some of the issues explored in this article within your relationship you may find it helpful to work with a therapist:
